Today flew by a lot faster than I would have liked it to.
It was surprising how many staff members asked when they would see me again! On the flip side, it was disappointing how few learners asked the same question – or even said goodbye. (One.)
I guess this is the nature of school visits: we are but fleeting cameos in a foreign tele-novella. Some of us may be slightly more memorable than others – but once the story arc is completed, we're out.
I'm going to miss this school...
Time to head back to my other life.
Mr. Knoetze, out.
"Familiarity breeds contempt" someone once told me. What transpired this afternoon partly confirmed the validity of that claim. I say only partly because, to a large extent, today's fall-out wasn't necessarily founded in familiarity. Probably the larger contributor to this situation was that of growing disappointment and a touch of resentment. Here's what happened:
After seven and a half weeks of working together on our practicum, some of our colleagues have grown quite weary of those who had not contributed, engaged or done their part. This manifested in a heated exchange of words on our WhatsApp group, when a meeting to compile our group assignment was convened. Those who had been slinking by in the shadows were represented by statements of impropriety as to the "suddenness" of this arrangement, while the diligent faction responded by pointing out that participation throughout the practicum period would have negated any perceptions of "suddenness" and "unfair treatment".
In the end the Slinkers slunk away, and the worker bees did the work.
Lesson: Work hard with those who work hard, and reap the rewards.
Precious few people seem to realize a fundamental law of adult life: Children will listen.
While it is true that all people (and not only parents) should pay heed to their influence on each consecutive generation – this fundamental law should be the foundation all teachers build from. We are, after all, right there. In front. Teaching.
All. The. Time.
School came out an hour early today, in order for all of us to prepare for the "TussenOnsFees" – an annual festival here in town. This year, our school was responsible for the food and drink at the festival. I was on the Braai Team (braai = mega bbq) with some of the other male teachers today, and had a lot of fun seeing these men more relaxed and jovial. We were also joined by a few learner volunteers. Obviously getting free access to the festival grounds worked extremely well as an incentive for them to want to help out *chuckles*.
Soon the crowds started growing and the festival kicked into gear. Entertainers sang, merchants plied their wares, cars were showed and lots of food and beverages kept everyone fed and happy. It wasn't the largest festival I've ever been to, but it was fun!
And then it happened:
As the day grew old and the beer tent grew full, I grew restless as I saw what the children saw and heard and felt: Grown-ups getting stupid, with parents and family misbehaving as the inebriated do.
The kids were watching, listening and learning.
They were learning from their elders.
They were being taught what they were to be taught against
come Sunday: "Do as I say, don't do as I do."
I wasn't in the position to do anything about these people acting the fool in front of their own children, but I was able to show that there was another way of doing things. Living sober is not the easiest choice to make all the time – but it is the only choice worth making.
This has to be my mission outside the classroom:
to do as I say, so others may do as I do... should they choose to.
I believe all teachers should lead by example.
Seven weeks in and we're on our last day of classes. One week of exam invigilation to go and, according to my schedule, I am not likely to see my classes again. If course I'll see individuals in the corridors during next week, but I won't get to see them all together again. This saddens me.
It is uncanny how quickly I have learned to love the learners of this school! Thinking about leaving Worcester to go back to Stellenbosch and graduate is very exciting. Thinking about leaving these kids however, is not exciting at all... is this separation anxiety? Can't be.
My heart has been heavy all day.
Maybe this weekend's festival will cheer me up?
It is imperative that one start each day anew, with a calm spirit and clean slates for all your learners. This is not the easiest feat to accomplish – and I suspect it takes enormous emotional reserves to maintain such an attitude. The longer one remains in Education, the tougher it seems to get...
"May you never be jaded."
This morning didn't start off all too well on a personal level. (I won't bore you with the details.) It follows that when a notorious class walked in for the first period, I wasn't exactly a picture of peace. Seeing one or two of the learners that got my goose yesterday didn't help my mood much either.
Then one of them melted my heart with a sincere question and a hopeful expression:
"When will you teach us again, sir?"
May that moment stay with me forever, for it shook me out of my own hazardous thoughts and showed me a glimpse of the soul underneath the protective layers of a "problem" learner. There are genuine, vulnerable children inside the armored veneers of the upstarts and trouble-makers. When one opens up to you, you can't help but realize how difficult and rare such acts of vulnerability truly are.
I might not have understood that child completely, but I was humbled. Touched. And terrified of making the wrong move! I realized that the smallest hint of nonchalance or apathy would wound the boy and destroy any possibility of connecting with him. So I smiled appreciatively and explained my Life Orientation timetable to him. His class wouldn't see me for English again, but that didn't mean that I did not want to teach them.
Thinking back, I realize that my own armored veneer sometimes leaps back in unguarded moments. Little chuckles of nonchalance.
Subconscious eye-rolls.
Sharp words.
This is not an easy course I've chosen, and I will have to check myself regularly.
Something that struck me right on the noggin today was how utterly neglected the school subject of Life Orientation was, despite its incredible importance. Yes, it is true that the subject is one of a select few that all students are required to take – but that is about as much attention as it gets. While passing the subject is required to complete one's secondary schooling, grades earned in it are not included in any tertiary admission criteria in South Africa. On the contrary - those grades are actually subtracted from one's final grade point average before tertiary admission is considered!
No wonder learners have little interest in Life Orientation during the FET-phase. It also doesn't take a genius to figure out why LO is considered "the subject Schools assign to teachers when they don't know what to do with those teachers".
School in its entirety should prepare one for adult life, this is true. That being said, no other class in school creates the safe space which allows for the discussion of supra-curricular life questions faced by learners, as LO does. Nowhere else are learners given the sense of security and support to talk about anything they are facing, dealing or struggling with. Life Orientation is the class that helps us discover what it means to be who we are; it teaches us life- and business skills; it fosters both individual and communal wellness; it encourages independent thought; it humanizes both the curriculum and the scary meta-curricular web of the wide world waiting outside.
Life Orientation has the potential to heal, enable, activate and give wings to the most powerful citizens of the world! Why should it not be treated that way?
The Matrics celebrated their "40 Day"-milestone today. With the end of their High School career in sight, they came dressed as whom/what they wanted to become. There were nurses, race car drivers, lawyers, engineers – even a teacher or two! Naturally there were also those who took the Mickey out of it, and came dressed as wildlife, witches and wh... alternative traders (post dusk).
I wonder how their teachers felt about the day. Was it a joyous celebration of a path well travelled, or more of a lookout post half-way up a mountain: from which one gazes with both trepidation and relief?
At this stage of the game it really is all about academics, and a large portion of Grade 12s start realizing it 'round about now. The Record Exams starting on Monday, and the Final Exams of next term, are the culmination of 12 years of learning, studying and the choices each learner made along the way. Those who started taking their studies serious earlier on have an advantage over those who only realized today that their scores directly influence how and when (even "if") they are going to reach their life goals.
Making your dreams come true is a conscious decision and a daily choice all through your school career. Now impacts what comes next – in fact, now causes what comes next. (Duh!) Let's look at an example from my L.O. class:
Say your dream is to have a family one day, what do you need to make it happen? Perhaps a spouse, a house, a car and some kids? Maybe even a pet or two? Now... how are you going to afford it? "Work!" you might say. Absolutely, that's kind of obvious. But how much do you need to earn? Keep in mind that every child is a Ferrari in financial terms. From pregnancy to 18 years of age, each child will cost you the equivalent of a Ferrari purchase. (Not necessarily the top of the range model though...) Then there's the home you want to live in, and the car you want to drive, and the vacations you want to take... Realizing such dreams all depends on what you do now. Which depends on everything you've done so far.
Have you made the right decisions so far? Are you making them now?
It is with all honesty that I can say that I truly wish nothing but success, happiness and love to all of the learners at this school. They really are magnificent young people, with great talent and all the potential in the world! Unfortunately my wishing it, doesn't make it so. It is up to them to decide what they want, and how they are going to get it.
There is so much we can share with each other – so many ways in which we can enrich each other's lives – and so much we can learn and discover together.
But we don't.
Some don't know how to, and some just won't.
Why not?
I suspect Fear keeps all of us neatly chained inside our boxes. The fear of losing face keeps us from sharing what we don't know, in order to grow together. The fear of losing control keeps us from allowing freedom of thought, discovery and risking ideas that might change something. The fear of standing out of the crowd keeps us from fulfilling our own potential and reaching greatness.
This is what frustrated me today.
I don't like being chained.
I can't stand it when people chain themselves.
I absolutely abhor those who chain others.
Am I the only one?
As teachers, I believe that we should remain open to new ideas, new ways of doing as well as new ways of learning – especially when the learning party is oneself! There is no shame in stating what we don't know, for this humanizes us and opens us up to learning whilst simultaneously encouraging our learners to do the same. I also believe that we should remember that teaching and learning are both social as well as intensely personal activities. We should work with the masses in showing the way, whilst remembering to allow for individualization. The internal learning process which should actively work towards encouraging personal growth and development of self in each of our learners. In doing this, we should be nurturing a group which recognizes, encourages and celebrates the powerful beauty of each of its members.
Break the chains of Fear – and live in the unique light of Potential!
In a classroom that darkened my heart, I found a light today.
Knowing that it is good to be exposed to various styles of learning, and wanting to obtain experience in different class groups and grades, I observed another English teacher's class today. The lesson was on a South African drama that I did not know too much about. This lesson was also for a Gr.12 class that I had been warned about, but had not encountered yet. Call it morbid curiosity if you will, but I needed to know what I would likely encounter in future.
It was horrifyingly mesmerizing to see just how unruly a senior class could be. I would liken it to watching a horror movie: it scares the life out of you – but you just have to see how it ends! I could not fathom how any one of those learners could have the foggiest clue of what was going on in the drama. Or anything at all, for that matter! And that's where a pinprick of light surprised me.
I was asked to put a question to the class, and could only draw from my limited knowledge of the drama, my own framework of the period (which I had lived through) and the reading that had been done in that lesson. I decided to look for evidence of subtext-sensitivity, and asked for additional themes that ran through the text – expecting the usual stock answers of love, betrayal, friendship etc.
One boy, at the back of the class, bowled me over when he picked up on "the trouble with freedom". There was a kid with a brain, an understanding, and a willingness to think further. Even in the midst of a cacophony of apes.
This solitary soul showed me that there is always a fleck of sanity and hope in the midst of anarchy.
Always look for it, nurture it, and find peace in it. Because if it is not about lifting up the few, how can it be about uplifting the many?
I love conversations. I love having them around the dining table, on bicycles, in busses, at home and with friends. I also adore having conversations with learners. And this, I feel, is a good thing in subjects like Life Orientation.
The problem with class conversations, is time. As time flies when you're having fun, it does while I'm working. I just need to be careful that time doesn't run out mid-lesson! Now thankfully I usually finish on time, but on occasion we tend to hit gold in our class discussions, and following that vein to where it leads – hitting "flow" as a group – can steer you way off course as far as your lesson plan is concerned. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, in my humble opinion – on the contrary – but it devours time like nothing.
Today I hit such a vein in my L.O. crit class, and while I'm certain that my mentor enjoyed the class immensely, I do worry that I didn't do enough. Part of this worry comes from the deviation from the lesson plan (that is critiqued as part of the whole) and part of it has to do with how much I want these kids to learn something about themselves. I just want to take the time to know that each of them finds joy in themselves, that they learn to accept themselves and others as the wonderful creatures they are, and that they fall back in love with the beauty of life.
Usually we can only hope that some little thing we try in class ends up helping somewhere. When you strike gold though, and you can see those souls shining, it's a drug that fills the entire room. That is when magic happens all around you. And that is why I love what I do.
I had to be a bit of a policeman today, when one of my colleagues came in late, and stomped his way across the staff room in the middle of morning prayer. As visitors to the school and representatives of our University, it is expected that we respect the traditions and values of our hosts whilst maintaining a professional attitude and demeanor. In this case, habitual tardiness has developed into disrespectful nonchalance. Having addressed the issue of tardiness in a friendly manner before, with no effect, I stepped it up to a stern talking-to. Here's hoping for improvement tomorrow.
I got to sit in on some other English classes today, and was delighted to see a class of 10th Graders fully immersed in poetry! Especially the jocks! There is hope for the future!! That particular teacher invited me to sit in on one of her Matric classes tomorrow. Woohoo!!
In one of my English Mentor's classes, whilst working through a memorandum with the class, I was surprised (delighted) at the large extent of participation, and positive attitude I received from the learners. I've seen these kids in action before, and generally one would be tempted to label them as a tough crowd. There is no way that I can claim this as a feather in my cap, as I am by no means a super teacher (yet). I do suspect that getting a "clean slate" in class, with the chance to be viewed through a stranger's perspective, motivated some of the "more difficult" learners to sit up and try harder.
Four days into the first week of our school visit later, I finally got a chance to sit in on a Life Orientation class! Some of the learners in that class were faces I remembered from the Eisteddfod. I might have a shot here! If I can get to know at least some of the learners outside the classroom, I might be able to present successful lessons to this class.
Colour me surprised when the Eisteddfod kids asked me wether or not I would come watch them again tonight. Obviously I couldn't say no – and despite all the protestations my body could come up with after lunch, I went back to the Eisteddfod. And boy am I glad I did!! At the venue, I was surprised to find several learners from my English classes – including some of the roguish boys! And when I saw how their eyes lit up when I walked in, something clicked. The mere act of me showing up meant something to these kids. Instant connections were being made left, right and center, and I experienced a sense of alchemical transfiguration.
As many of you know, I'm working hard to complete my Postgraduate Certificate in Education this year. Following various jobs, projects and labor - I had managed to save up enough funds to pay for tuition. Woohoo!!!
But I didn't count on the "additional" expenses (accommodation, insurance, groceries and fuel) - which have now eaten through two thirds of my tuition money. At this rate, I'll be broke and homeless by April. With the PGCE program being such an intensive, one year program of full-time study, getting a "day job" didn't work out. Successfully completing this program leaves little time for sleep, and no time for distractions like romance or employment.
Out of pure desperation, and with a few moments to spare on this Sunday, I've decided to go for the only option left to me: to just ask for help.
Please help.
Contact me through the comment section (moderated) for details, or support my GoFundMe page:
I've decided to take some of the money I've saved for tuition, and pay for a visit to the psychiatrist. Starting my bipolar meds again.
I don't know how far my savings will stretch to cover my meds, required medical aid, tuition and rent for 2013... but a functional life is worth more than money in the bank.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become." - Steve Jobs
When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.
